I have been a patient in a hospital several times. Fortunately, my parents passed down a sense of humor.  After waking up after major surgery, one part of me is thinking, “Ye Gads, this hurts!” The other part is amused wondering why a visitor I barely know is sitting on my bed spouting on about global warming and expecting me to participate.

The next time you are in the hospital visiting a friend or family member, keep the following do’s and don’ts in mind:

My major don’t?  Don’t stay too long. Most patients have good manners and feel like they have to engage with a visitor; this takes effort. Say hello, chat for a few minutes and leave.

Don’t visit the day of surgery unless you are a family member or close relative. No one likes to drool in front of an acquaintance.

Don’t send large containers of flowers or large presents especially if the patient will be convalescing at home for awhile. Send it when she is home and can enjoy it while alert.  Whose family wants to lug home armfuls of stuff?

Don’t bring War and Peace for reading material. Leave magazines that are easy to read and have lots of pictures.

Likewise, don’t expect the patient to engage intellectually. Keep the conversation or monologue light.

Don’t take the opportunity to recall horror stories about people who died after major surgery or poor hospital care. Likewise, do not go on a rant and rave about “money- grabbing doctors who don’t care if you live or die.”

Don’t worry about getting credit. If you stop in a patient’s room for a visit and it doesn’t look like a good time, leave. Trust me; patients are not keeping score. The pain meds wipe out all memory.

Do be an advocate when you are visiting. If the patient needs a visit by a doctor or nurse on your watch, walk to the nurse’s station and insist on action. Do not leave until someone arrives.

Do send cards as they are nice treats. Send them to a family member who will deliver them in person rather than rely on the hospital’s mailroom.

Do give the patient privacy. If a nurse comes in to bathe him or help with a bodily function, for instance, step out of the room.

Do stay home if you have a sore throat or cold. The last thing a patient needs is to fight a major respiratory infection while recovering from surgery.

Do cover the patient if the hospital gown has taken on a life of its own. Whoever invented those things was not thinking of the best coverage.

Use common sense when you visit a friend or relative in the hospital. You can either help ease the patient’s pain and bring peace of mind, or you can elicit foggy plans of how to eject you out of the room.  Remember, this time you were the lucky one, just a visitor; next week you may be the one wearing the gown.